HIV: ON LIVING-TAKING CONTROL

At some level, everyone knows that, as Robert Burton wrote in The Anatomy of Melancholy, ” [In this life, we are] subject to infirmities, miseries, interrupt, tossed & tumbled up and down, carried about with every small blast, often molested & disquieted upon each slender occasion, uncertain, brittle, & so is all that we trust unto.” One of the conditions of life is that we are susceptible and vulnerable, and so is everyone else we depend on. People affected by HIV infection know that their emotions—depression, anger, fear, guilt, dependency—though painful to feel and difficult to admit, are also realistic and perhaps inevitable. They know that despite the comfort of their friends and relatives, they must resolve these painful emotions alone. Their resolutions, though varied, are at bottom the same: somehow or another, they learn to deal with the conditions of life. The twentieth-century poet Randall Jarrell wrote a poem that answers Robert Burton:     ”If you are afraid of wolves, do not go into the forest,” the Russian proverb says. We all live in the forest, and there is nothing to do but get used to the wolves.     What this means to people affected by HIV infection is that in spite of an inescapable infection and the inevitable accompanying emotions, they are in charge. They still make their own decisions and determine their own outlooks. “I’m made of good stuff,” Dean said, “and the stuff I’m made of doesn’t change because my situation changes.” “Facing what I am up against gives me a new frame of mind,” said Helen. “I expected a lot of life that I won’t get. But I will do the best for myself and be an inspiration to others. I think we have more control over our lives than even we think we do.”     No one says that finding a “new frame of mind” is easy. Helen said, “It’s easier to say these things when you’re feeling good.” Easy or not, people do get used to the wolves, do gain a sense of control, do find a new frame of mind. They accomplish this with a few tricks.*236\191\2*

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